The time has fucking come and to be completely honest I’m not happy about it in the slightest. I’ve been in school for what feels like forever, or at the very least the past 20 fucking years. And I’ve finally reached the fucking finish line. I’ve had my breathe to sit back and enjoy, to do nothing and relax as I soak in my accomplishment.
Yet, despite my absolute desire to stay in this moment , we all know that I can’t. I have to make a plan, prepare for the next step and then take it.
It’s about now when you may wonder what the problem is, or more specifically my problem. The answer is painfully disappointing, lowkey boring as fuck and completely unimaginative. The problem is I’m scared and full of self doubt.
Despite the education, despite the training, and the hours in the field doing clinical work I feel like a complete imposter. I’m clearly unqualified to do any of the jobs popping up in my linked in and local indeed searches and never will be eligible to fill such positions. But, I still need a job, to pay for my student loans at the very least.
I can envision exactly what I want to do ; I loved working with children , teens and families. i loved play tehrapy, art therapy, family therapy and indiviudal session work. I felt incredibly effective helping my clients work through trauma, sexual assualts , self harm and suicidality. I found the work satisfy, my clinical instincts good and my impact on my cliets positive. My supervisors agreed with me and offered me a position. But, the policy and postions of the agency were not acceptable and I had to refuse.
Now I find myself looking for work in jobs I’m convinced I can’t do , as I beleieve that finidng the demographic and roles i enjoyed the most and was most effective at are the only thing I’m qualified for.
But I have a few months to reflect, look and build confidence while I prepare for the state exam to become liscenced. Hopefully in that time I’ll find a job I want, with the population I enjoy, that pays enough and doesn’t leave me questioning my abilities or intellect.
……until next week.
herewesayf&@#k!!! 