All The Fucking Questions

  I sit here with 8 weeks left till graduation, 8 weeks left in my field work and 8 weeks to get a handle on all the fucking questions.

  I wish my questions were as simple as will I pass and where should I focus to ensure that, and not to brag, but that’s nowhere close to a concern. I’ve maintained A’s since I went back to school and crossing the finish line has never been a maybe.

  Instead I have a myriad of questions needling the tiniest of details. They include the ever popular how to best terminate my theraputic relationships ? When can I take the licensing exam? Do I have everything I need to take the exam? What paperwork should be done for graduation? Do I go to the ceremony? When do I start looking for job? Is it a bad sign if no jobs have been offered? Are the offered jobs scams or spam?

These fucking questions needle me persistently and at the worst times. Worst of all they don’t annoy me, they make me so annoyed at myself that I wanna punch myself in the face.

But I fear I am creating these mindless ,predatory questions to distract myself from the big ones….the ones I’m not sure I can answer ,or worse, want to answer.

  What happens next? Where do I want to work? What kind of work do I even want to do? Do I work in clinical, policy,administration or research? Then I must decide what population do I want to work with or for? Perhaps the most daunting of questions is where am I best suited? Sure I love ,absolutely love,working with children & families as a clinician…but am I ill suited for it? Will I cause harm? Or will I do the research that some extremist politician will 1 day cite as a twisted justification to cause harm for political gain?

  When I went back to school my idea was so concrete and finite. I wanted to create policy and work for the LGBTQ+ community…..and while I still want to I am not sure how it fits into my new goal. Find what work feeds my soul, but that I am the best suited for and the best at that will make lives better.

   The road to witch seems more uncertain.

….until next week.