Sometimes they aren’t no way to deny it, you just fucked up. It can be a hard pull to swallow and it comes in all shapes, sizes and costumes…but when you really fuck up, boy do you feel it on impact. What’s worse about those deep felt fuck ups is, that you never tried ,intended or meant to fuck it. They aren’t usually the result of carelessness either.
That’s what sucks the absolute most, my fuck up wasn’t the result of being lazy, half assery, stupidity or even blinding arrogance. Rather it was a slow burn of a fuck up where I considered, decided and methodically chose a path I believed I was correct with…only to see it cone crashing down when I saw where I made flawed decisions based on the wrong information. Is that arrogance? I’m not sure, but I can tell you nothing is more painful than realizing that each choice made individually would be just a simple mistake but together is a fuck up.
A fuck up where I did more than just look bad, I left the client hanging. A fact that in it’s worst case scenario would have been negligent, but I got lucky.
Where did I fuck up you ask?
Well I started my day meeting with my supervisor to review my sessions and paperwork. She stated my last session wasn’t my client but was meant to be a check in, but she explained it was being errored out and I didn’t have to touch or do anything. Now because there for late hours & you can get a late addition to your schedule with an intake or check jn I didn’t give it much mind. But as my shift ended I refreshed my schedule and saw it still wasn’t errored out and it was too late for me to get a last minute addition. So I thanked the God’s above and left 40 mins early.
Now my fuck up was easy to miss without explicit dialog, but I essentially misunderstood my supervisor. My session wasn’t being errored out, specific paperwork was. That was what I didn’t have to worry about. So the client waited for a clinician to check in on them while their therapist was out of town. Which, was in and of itself an easy fix. The receptionist could have explained it to them and clear it up with me when they arrived. But, that couldn’t happen with me out of the building.
This led to the panic of who would see them, where was I and why did I leave. Again, because I assumed it was a clerical error and I had no client I also assumed that because it was so late it was no big deal to tell my supervisor what happened the next day. Which again, given the reason behind my choice wouldn’t typically be a big deal. I have left early when my last client canceled without notifying my supervisor before. But, when you have a client there , staff looking for you and everyone unsure of what happened I can assure you it is a big fucking deal.
Because the worst part was this client was a high risk ,suicidal ,teenage girl. She was fresh out of her hospitalization and needed to check in about how she was doing, review her safety plan and just needed to rely on the people and system in place to help keep her safe. Instead she was told the clinician left and sent home bewildered ,angry and shocked.
I know everyone tells me that you have to fuck up at least a few times before your legit and fucking up is how we learn..but I never want to fuck up again where I’m not the person feeling the damage and consequences.
……until next week
herewesayf&@#k!!! 