The past few weeks have been an absolute shit show for me. The amount of stress, stressor, obligations, have too and tasks to check off of my too do list seemed like a never ending stream of shit.
I had finals, evaluations , and end of term bullshit for school. I had treatment plans, and assessments that were overdue for my field. Personally I had my daughter’s impending high school graduation and almost an entire month of “lasts” as she prepared to leave high school.
I had the unique position of wanting to be done, stressing every step to get myself over the finish line and wanting desperately to be present and enjoy the moment. Which was really hard for me, because I’ve always struggled to slow down when something big is looming.
It never mattered if it was good or bad, it just needed to be big. Big was enough of a requirement for me to want it to be over. I want to rush up the side of the mountain just to say I did it and it was over. This struggle is made harder by wanting 2 things to be over desperately, but hoping to enjoy the moment for a third.
I had my good days, tense days and the I wanna crawl back into bed because everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The days were technology actively fought me to help ensure my day wouldn’t work out right. I had tears in my eyes out of sheer frustration as I begged for something to get better or just stop.
I had to learn how to walk away, take the breathes, do the meditations and savor the moments I wanted to enjoy while working my way through the moments I needed to pass.
In the end I managed to every paler writing, assignments done, treatment plans done and paperwork finished days before my daughter’s graduation. I was successful at being present for every one if her “last times” within those walls. I could devote all my attention to the small details to ensure her celebrations were just like she pictured. She had her moments, her laughter, her tears ,her friends ,and family just how she wanted it .
……until next week.
herewesayf&@#k!!! 